O.K. This Guy gets the Award For Funniest Ad This Year
I think it’s from 96? It’s been 10 years since I checked the date.
-Look at it. Frickin’ gorgeous! I don’t care if you don’t think honey burst is the right color for you. That’s just because you’re insecure and afraid you will be upstaged by its beauty. You’re the bass player. Nobody was looking at you before. Now they will be. Wear a clean shirt.
-Birdseye maple neck. Made entirely of frozen vegetables. No birds were harmed in the making of this neck.
-Passive, high-output, Leo Fender designed MFD pickups (hint, the first letter stands for Mutha, and the last for Dayumm). Change the sound by changing the volume. Turn it up for more modern, amp-driving high output, or turn it down for more vintage tone. Add some bridge for sparkle. I tried to turn it to the setting that made me sound like a good player, but, sadly, it’s not actually magic. Then I tried to turn it way up to the level where my band didn’t suck, but the neighbors complained that their pictures fell off the wall.
-Neck is straight with low action, like my sex life.
-Abalone dots, an edible sea snail, or a great psychedelic band name.
-Frets are like new. Why, you ask? Because I didn’t practice enough, ok? Jeez. Thanks for making me feel bad.
-According to bathroom scale it’s less than 8 pounds. Would make a lousy boat anchor. Maybe useful for pressing flowers? Not good in low-gravity, but excellent in zero-gravity.
–P-bass-ish neck option instead of the narrow jazz neck that most came with.
-Largely unused D’Addario Chrome flatwound strings, which exist in four different dimensions: round (3D), flat (2D), linear (1D), and the fourth dimension, Time to Rock!
-Shielded electronics cavity. Reduces electric interference, and like wearing a tinfoil hat, protects you from NSA satellites stealing your licks. Also stops sunspot radiation from mutating your DNA if you wear it in front of your junk.
-Push-pull series-parallel knob, doesn’t change sound or controls until switched to Thunder Honey Mode.
WARNING! Thunder Honey mode may have serious side effects, including uncontrollable guitar face, weak knees, tears of joy, or reluctance to get a real job, and should not be used while wearing a skirt or dress, or in the presence of others wearing skirts/dresses as it is one of the prime causes of underwear just falling off. This could be a trip hazard.
-Three bolt neck instead of six. People say it’s horrible and it ruins an otherwise wonderful instrument. You should definitely tell Leo Fender because you and your internet forum experts obviously know more than he does about building guitars. They don’t talk about it on Wikipedia, but I heard he left Fender and Musicman and decided, hey, I’ll just make crappy guitars using all the bad ideas I came up with over the previous 30 years of making guitars. Oh wait, Leo died, so you missed your window. Call his wife then. I think she’s still the boss. Heck, maybe she’ll give you a job or a free guitar or something in exchange for all your good advice.
-Only three knobs, all volumes, neck/bridge/overall, so it’s harder to make it sound like 25 different basses that it isn’t. You’ll have to find something to do with all the extra time you would have spent playing with six knobs and four switches trying to, “Dial in my sound.”
-Passive electronics means no long drum solos or smoke breaks for your band while you swap batteries.
-One of the pickguard screws was replaced, so it’s shinier than the rest.
-Three blemishes/dings. I challenge you to find them. I have chicken pox scars that are bigger than they are. Just to be clear, though, I did not have this bass in 1978 when I got chicken pox, so if you’re thinking of inoculating your children with it, you’ll be disappointed.
-Original hard-shell case has a Dave’s Killer Bread sticker on it, and as you know, the company is now owned by a corporation, thereby completely ruining the indie value of the sticker. This is accounted for in the price.
-Don’t have original pickguard. Instead it has a cool or stupid pickguard I made from all-natural Eye of the Beholder®. Conventional (read: boring) replacements are available online.
The internet can tell you all the other stuff, except how to stop looking at the ad like some kind of stalker, “researching,” and watching YouTube videos of people playing one so you can hear an accurate rendition of the thick slabs of moist and gooey gut punch coming out of your phone’s speaker (pro tip: it helps to actually put the phone up your butt so you can hear it with your intestines).
Just come try it out and give it a good life. If you don’t buy it, I’ll give it to my 8 year old nephew and he will absolutely destroy it! He just got caught playing with matches, so whatever happens will be all on you.
I will consider trades for an actual magic bass that makes me sound good, but not if it’s cursed or something, and believe me, I’ll know if it is. I have an evil, bleeding keyboard and a clarinet made of children’s nightmares (not included in the sale). Maybe something with unicorn horn inlay and dragon whisker strings?